How did I come out | Excitable Man

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I am a gamer and particularly love Nintendo games. The Mario series is my favorite. In my childhood, I only played Super Mario Bros on a Chinese pirated Famicom (Subor), and later played Super Mario Bros 2 USA and Super Mario Bros 3 through the Famicom emulator on Haojixing. After buying a Switch in 2022 and playing Super Mario Odyssey, I wanted to gradually complete all the Mario games, so I started playing them on PC through emulator.

The first two games I played were Super Mario Galaxy and Super Mario Galaxy 2. Both games were so incredible that I desperately wanted to discuss them with others. Since almost no one on Bilibili streamed Mario games, I turned to Twitch despite my limited English. There, I happily followed and chatted with streamers who played these games. After playing Super Mario Sunshine, I added that category to my Twitch follows as well.

One day, I encountered a European streamer playing Super Mario Sunshine. He wasn't playing it on Switch or emulator, but rather an original Gamecube with its classic 4:3 screen. When I first entered his stream, he had just finished a playthrough and the end credits were rolling. I typed in chat ‘oh, original Gamecube version’. This was my first interaction with him, but since he ended his stream shortly after, our conversation was brief. A few days later, I saw him playing Pikmin on Gamecube and joined his chat again. Due to the time zone difference, I had to leave for bed soon after. He sent me a whisper on Twitch asking if I'd like to join his Discord server.

When I first joined his Discord server, I noticed some gay-related discussions but didn't participate in them. Instead, I focused on Nintendo games, which were the topics I mainly discussed and initiated. Since I was not good at RTS games but wanted to learn more about Nintendo's first-party IPs, I asked him to record the playthrough of Pikmin. Around that time, The Thousand-Year Door remake was released on Switch. Being a famous title in the Mario RPG series that I had previously played on an emulator, I joined his streams to watch and discuss the remake.

Over time, life discussions became more frequent in the Discord. He shared a lot of scenery and food photos, and increasingly spoke about gay topics. Though I hadn't noticed he was gay from his streams, being gay myself made me eager to hear more stories, so I joined these conversations and asked about his experiences. Through our discussions, I discovered we shared something else in common—chronic illness—though his condition was more severe, requiring experimental treatments at the hospital. His family, particularly his mother, supported him in being true to himself. He had even found a boyfriend from South America through Facebook who traveled long distances to visit him. Another Discord member, a bisexual person from Europe, regularly participated in these conversations as well.

Besides, on Twitch, I also encountered streamers with "LGBTQFriendly" tag, along with others who openly identified as gay in their titles and descriptions. Chatting in these streams created such a welcoming atmosphere that it highlighted the strain of my own silence and hiding in real life. I longed to shed the fake composure I maintained behind a false mask.

So I planned to come out.

I first came out in that Gamecube player's Discord server, revealing that I was gay and had been hiding it for many years. I told them I planned to come out on social media as well. They three encouraged me to be brave and true to myself despite unaccepting environment in my place. I also confided in my best friend from college who now lives in Japan. Understanding how difficult it is to come out in my place, he offered his encouragement too.

I initially planned to come out on IDAHOBIT, but since that was more than half a year away, I moved the date to NCOD. My plan was to come out after the Chinese National Day holiday, but then my parents unexpectedly decided to visit from hometown during that time. I realized waiting until after they left would only make things worse, so I decided to gather my courage and face them directly.

After coming out, I revisited the Twitch streams with the "LGBTQFriendly" tag and I felt brave enough to share in the chat that I had recently come out. In streams where streamers were openly gay, I even expressed my intention to start getting a boyfriend. I can feel my confidence, which I previously lacked, gradually emerging.

I shared this openly in a couple's gaming stream I follow on Bilibili. At first, they thought I was too serious, but their perception changed after I opened up to them.

I hope that you—who are also in the minority and remain watching in silence—can find your moment, summon the courage hidden within you for so long, and finally recognize your true self.